I Write

~ Stephanie Marquez

Lately I keep awaking in the middle of the night.
Feelings once clear, now twisted in a different light.
Paranoia taking over; I’ve become antsy in new places,
Too frightful to look up,
I keep my eyes low and to the ground,
counting the steps and all the cracks.
I am too afraid to meet the gazes from judgmental faces;
both familiar and of unknown.
And I am too afraid to live my life as if it actually is my own.
Deep within my bones, I feel an emptiness that is burrowing;
It’s getting harder to fake the things I want to feel,
And reality is, well, it’s actually becoming real.
My heart speaks to me in palpitations; screaming out to strangers,
From a cage made of ebony ribs,
Hoping for someone to hear its inaudible sounds;
Howling, like an animal mourning for some sort of loss.
I feel myself tremble; I feel my words getting caught in my throat.
I feel my mind slip away until it comes back at me with full force,
Begging to be written out, and begging to be heard!
Teeth grit, I ball my nimble fingers into tiny fists,
Watching my knuckles turn from pink to white,
This is a routine I have not yet been able to shake;
And so, I write.